My wife and I are approaching our first anniversary. While we’re by no means experts on the topic of marriage, we are a little further along than some friends who are engaged or have recently gotten married, so I want to share a list of recommended resources and advice for our friends who are Christians. If something here helps you out, or if you have additional thoughts on the topic, I’d love to hear from you. For any of the young women with questions, my wife Karen would be happy to help where she can–and I have to add that she has her Bachelor’s Degree in Biblical Counseling.

The List:

1. Go through the marriage DVD series from Paul Tripp, “What Did You Expect?” - This series that was developed out of a marriage conference contains 10 separate 25-minute sessions. If you can’t do the DVD version, read the book by the same title.
2. Ask an older and more mature couple to sit down with you both for premarital counseling. I’ve heard of this being done in different formats, and I’m sure there are benefits to different styles, but do this with another couple whose marriage relationship is one that people look up to, and of course, plan to follow up with them after your wedding takes place. The goal here isn’t to make it to the wedding day–you as a committed Christian are looking far beyond that to establish a solid marriage that honors God.
3. Study the attributes of God in a book like A.W. Tozer’s “The Knowledge of the Holy.” And if you haven’t read a book together, keep in mind that there’s no need to read out loud to each other. I prefer reading on my own while adding post-it notes to the pages I want to review and discuss afterwards, but that’s only a preference.
4. Focus on your own individual relationship with God through prayer and through reading your Bible. If you only did one thing on this list, pick this one. Your personal relationship with the Lord will affect all other relationships, so do not neglect it or fool yourself into blending it with another relationship you have.
5. Get serious about discussing financial issues. Larry Burkett’s book, “The Complete Financial Guide for Young Couples“ was a very helpful resource for my wife and I to get a quick overview of the major and minor financial choices we would soon be facing together. You NEED to have a plan. If you haven’t gone through a book like this, you’ll be amazed to find some things you’d never thought about that could potentially become real conflicts in marriage without having talked about them before they crash landed in your lap. Secondly with finances, consider picking up Randy Alcorn’s quick and easy to read book, ”The Treasure Principle: Discovering the Secret of Joyful Giving,” for an eye-opening look at how Jesus would have Christians wisely use their resources.
6. Go through The First Years of Forever by Dr. Ed Wheat and Gloria Okes Perkins to get a great deal of practical wisdom. They stress the need to seek help when issues come up, rather than make the serious mistake of waiting months or even years before going to others.
7. Here’s where I need to recommend a book while putting a huge disclaimer on it. You must read Intended for Pleasure: Sex Technique and Sexual Fulfillment in Christian Marriage by Dr. Ed Wheat and Gaye Wheat, but if you’re not yet married, don’t start reading this until you are close to your wedding night. You’ll find over 250 pages of comprehensive and trusted advice, including a key reminder you must not forget: The best way to discover what your partner enjoys will be found not in a book, but through communication with your partner about the subject.
8. Last but not least, read this solid book about living a Christ-centered marriage by applying the truth of the Gospel to your everyday lives: ”When Sinners Say ‘I Do’,” by Dave Harvey (foreword by Paul Tripp).

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• One week from now, the sin I fight against inside of me will have a magnifying glass put over it by the constant closeness of another, and yet one week from now, God’s process of sanctification for his children will give my wife and I the opportunity to begin dealing with deeper underlying problems that we never knew God wanted us to confront in our own lives. As Rick Holland describes marriage, it’s “an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person.”

• One week from now, I’ll be financially responsible for someone. Yes, there will be tension, but it’s how I deal with my own selfish pride in that moment that counts.

• One week from now, I’ll finalize my full commitment to her alone, in the form of a vow before God, witnessed by friends and family.

• One week from now, I will be bound to reject the temptations of in any way pursuing other women, appearing to do so, or even accepting the advances of any other woman, for the sake of Karen knowing she is the only one that matters to me. Call this a positive bias in her favor or a discrimination against the pursuit of all others if you will.

• One week from now, there will still be just as many, if not more people watching to see how things turn out for the two of us, or as Stuart Scott put it in The Exemplary Husband, “We need to remember that we already are some sort of example to others. The question is, what kind?”

• One week from now, I will be committed to her safety, to the point where I will not be tolerant of that which harms her. This intolerance will apply to physical threats, emotional dangers, spiritual misguidance, or anything that threatens to destroy my relationship with her.

• One week from now, the two of us are committing to a first-year ban on the habit of the passive entertainment of television-show series that we’d rather not even give the chance to distance us from getting to know each other. We’ll revisit the need for this voluntary ban after we’ve had more time to analyze it’s potential benefits.

• One week from now, I’m not going to stop giving her flowers or chocolate! (And we’ll still be going out on dates).

• One week from now, we’ll be able to look back on our convictions about why we made the choices we did, and the relationship will become all that much more valuable to both of us as we reflect on the purposeful and sometimes temporarily painful discipline it took to faithfully wait for each other, despite the constant temptations that at any point could have overtaken our resolve if it weren’t for the daily grace of God. 1 Corinthians 10:13: “God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.”

• One week from now, the excuse that “I don’t know if we’re compatible” will be as convincing in my mind as the rhetoric of a four year old telling his mom he doesn’t want to take a nap, as Karen and I discover that OF COURSE we’re not naturally “compatible” in popular culture’s expression, because only God’s grace can truly walk us through, rather than around, the inevitable challenges we will face in living with each other. (thanks Paul Tripp for the idea behind my analogy!)

• One week from now, all the advice we’ve received from the hours of counseling sessions, the overview books, and the DVD segments, not to mention the great role models of our parents and close friends, will become more valuable resources that we look back on to help guide us through miscommunications and disagreements that will arise from the dark sin we all have inside of us as part of fallen humanity that can only look to God for true hope.

• Lastly, a year from now, I’ll probably look back on this list and laugh a little, thinking of all the other things that I had yet to learn about marriage, about my relationship with Karen, and most importantly about God, since that determines our perspectives on everything else in life.

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“Now who is there to harm you if you are zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for righteousness’ sake, you will be blessed. Have no fear of them, nor be troubled, but in your hearts honor Christ the Lord as holy, always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you; yet do it with gentleness and respect, having a good conscience, so that, when you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ may be put to shame.” (1 Peter 3:13-16, from the ESV)

I’ve heard it put this way: the true Gospel message is already offensive, so why let your personality add to it? Don’t get in the way of the message itself so that they’re up against what the Bible is saying instead of the way I’m coming across. That’s right on, and who wouldn’t be offended when shown what the Bible says about you and I constantly living in rebellion against a perfectly Holy God who would be justified to kill us off in an instant–but only for his mercy gives us repeated opportunities to return to him through wholehearted faith in Jesus Christ? Note: for those unsure about where the Bible talks about this, start with the book of Romans; focusing on Romans 3:23, 6:23, and 10:9-13. And for a much bigger view of what God’s character is like, read through the Old Testament while keeping in mind that his character has never changed since then, as verses like James 1:17, Numbers 23:19, or Malachi 3:6 say “For I the LORD do not change.”

By the way, here’s a quick side note that was shown to me years ago. For Peter to tell his readers that they should be prepared to give a reason for the hope inside (and hope in the biblical expression here means something you’re completely sure of), the apostle is assuming that people are going to ask his readers why they’re different! If they blended right in with those around them in the lifestyle they chose, there would be no reason for people to ask what they’re living for, because who would bother to notice?

But what I want to do here is go directly to a book called “Tactics” by Gregory Koukl that has seriously impacted my thinking on all of this, and for that I HIGHLY recommend picking up this book. It’s written to help Christians know how to talk about their convictions, knowing that we already have volumes of material written in defense of the actual claims of the Christian faith, leaving people like myself needing help with maneuvering comfortably and kindly through beneficial conversations. The author also reminds his readers that it should give them confidence when they realize how compared with all the worldviews out there, Christianity is the one that best explains who we are and how we got here. The book cover mentions that Koukl has Masters Degrees in philosophy and in apologetics, he’s spoken at 50+ university campuses, he hosted a radio talk show for 18 years, and founded Stand to Reason (www.str.org).

Here’s an excerpt from what Koukl says when addressing just one of the reservations that Christians have when they try to shy away from these issues:

When people say you can’t argue anyone into the kingdom, they usually have an alternative approach in mind. They might be thinking that a genuine expression of love, kindness, and acceptance, coupled with a simple presentation of the gospel, is a more biblical approach.

If you are tempted to think this way, let me say something that may shock you: You cannot love someone into the kingdom. It can’t be done. In fact, the simple gospel itself is not even adequate to do that job.

How do I know? Because many people who were treated with sacrificial love and kindness by Christians never surrendered to the Savior. Many who have heard a clear explanation of God’s gift in Christ never put their trust in him.

In each case something was missing that, when present, always results in conversion. What’s missing is that special work of the Father that Jesus referred do, drawing a lost soul into his arms (John 6:44). Of this work Jesus also said, “Of all that He has given Me I lose nothing, but raise it up on the last day” (John 6:39).

According to Jesus, then, two things are true. First, there is a particular work of God that is necessary to bring someone into the kingdom. Second, when present, this work cannot fail to accomplish its goal. Without the work of the Spirit, no argument—no matter how persuasive—will be effective. But neither will any act of love nor any simple presentation of the gospel. Add the Spirit, though, and the equation changes dramatically.

Here’s the key principle: Without God’s work, nothing else works, but with God’s work, many things work. Under the influence of the Holy Spirit, love persuades. But the power of God, the gospel transforms. And with Jesus at work, arguments convince. God is happy to use each of these methods. Why do you think God is just as pleased to use a good argument as a warm expression of love? Because both love and reason are consistent with God’s own character. The same God who is the essence of love also gave the invitation, “Come now, and let us reason together.” Therefore, both approaches honor him.

- from “Tactics: A game plan for discussing your Christian convictions” by Greg Koukl, page 36. Foreword by Lee Strobel, endorsed by JP Moreland, Sean McDowell, William Lane Craig, and Norm Geisler.

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www.globalrichlist.com

I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling pretty wealthy. The website goes on to say that half of the world lives on less than $2/day, and they suggest donating to help deal with the problem of poverty. I didn’t look into the specific cause they’re giving donations to, but I do know that for most of us it’s not hard to find local charities, churches, or other organizations that rely on our donations to collectively help the poor on a consistent, ongoing basis.

We can have different responses to this, but before we have a chance to point any fingers at the people higher on the list than us, let me say a quick word of caution. Blaming someone else doesn’t get us anywhere. For one thing, it’s usually just our way of excusing our own choices, and secondly, even if we were at the bottom of the list earning less than the two dollars a day that would not be enough to vindicate us, but most of all that thirdly, forcing rules, regulations, and higher taxes on others isn’t going to fix the deeper issue. That’s like putting a band-aid over cancer; you’re only dealing with what’s on the outside–external actions. You aren’t yet stepping back to understand what’s really going on inside of a person’s heart as they happily live out their comfortable life centered around what fulfills their every momentary desire. When speaking on another topic, I think Ravi Zacharias brought up a principle that applies here when he stated, “Legislation can only force compliance. It can never produce the love necessary to change an attitude.” That love he’s speaking of is the kind of love for God that changes us to love others, knowing that they were created in God’s image just as we were (see Genesis 1:27, Jeremiah 1:5, Psalm 139:13).

I’m not here to tell you how to deal with this, but I think for any of us who claim to be a Christian, it only makes sense that we (myself included) would more carefully study the central figure of our faith, Jesus Christ, by observing what he chose to focus on throughout the Gospel accounts from Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. We aren’t going to solve the issue of world poverty just as Jesus didn’t come merely to meet physical needs. If you’re not sure of that, take a look at John 4:1-42 for the account of Jesus giving the Samaritan woman water from the well, and pay close attention to his words to her in verses 13-14: “Jesus said to her, ‘Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again’.” There is a larger issue at stake than just what the poor are lacking here on earth, but we will certainly help them as our love for God flows over into every aspect of our life, creating these acts of compassion that point people to the one who we’re really doing them for.

Another comment I overheard that night, ”I just knew they’d come!” came from a smiling middle-aged man to his friend as we stopped at his street, making our announcement about the free blankets and hot drinks. More highlights: The woman who we gave a baby’s blanket to because a kind young mom from my work had donated it; the man who special-requested a sleeping bag that we were able to provide for after one was generously donated by Matt’s coworker; the enthusiastic responses from three ladies I work with who want to come along next time we go. One lady down the hall mentioned checking if the local Starbuck’s stores would consider each donating one of the large catering containers for us to give out on a cold night. It gets me fired up to see other people coming on board to a beneficial cause. Beneficial not only to the recipients of the gifts, but sometimes much more to the giver. Interesting how that works.

A lot of amazing things happen when you put together something like this and invite people to participate. I’m not one to force my beliefs on others, and I know that can certainly turn into a prideful excuse for not speaking up about an issue when I know I should, but when I exercise the God-given ability and motivation to do something out of the ordinary, I suddenly find that people have genuine questions, to which I have the opportunity and obligation to respond. One of the simplest responses I’ve been able to use in this case is just to explain that the homeless guy on the street, even the drug addict or the prostitute, is a picture of who I am in front of a holy God, who would still be perfectly justified if he had never reached out to help me.

And my response to those who have questions can all go back to the joy and hope that is within me, that no one can take away. One of the exciting points about 1 Peter 3:15, when talking about honoring Jesus Christ by “always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you,” is the assumption that people are actually going to ask questions. The most likely way you’re going to have people ask questions is if you’re different, and that had better be in a good way, not some obnoxious, personal preference issue, but I’d rather not go into those specifics here. A quick side note about the Apostle Peter’s charge in 3:15 is to notice that he cautions the believer to “do it with gentleness and respect,” which far too many Christians completely miss. I think it was Tim Chaddick of Reality LA in Hollywood that was suggesting how one of the biggest ways people come to Christianity is by what they saw and wanted in the life of a Christian they knew; ironically that happens to also be the biggest reason people reject Christianity, after observing hypocrisy in the life of someone claiming to be a Christian. And yet of course there is no formula for convincing people to become a Christian, because the Bible repeatedly nails down the truth that God does the work in someone’s heart, even though the believer may have the honor of verbally explaining it as they live out Christianity with their actions. I could say or do all I want, or give the strongest possible intellectual defense for Christianity, and that is beneficial in the right context, but it’s certainly not enough to change someone’s heart. Christians are to go do the Great Commission of Matthew 28:18-20, but success for the believer, thankfully, does not depend on the audience’s response to the message.  A Christian does what the Bible calls them to do, faithfully living it out as a way of life, then the end result, whatever it may be, is left up to God, who has his reasons in all that he does and allows. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.” (Isaiah 55:8).

There’s a great story behind this artwork that I just put up on the wall of my office. It was a collaboration between Barton Damer and Promise Tangeman to help raise money for the Huruma Children’s Home, an orphanage near Nairobi, the capital of Kenya in East Africa. I don’t know these artists personally, but they wanted to do something with their skill to benefit this children’s home with its many needs, so they donated the profits from selling posters and t-shirts. Taking it a step further, they’ve invited other artists to start their own benefit projects, however that looks. Pretty cool, isn’t it? I just love seeing and hearing about Christians who are “doers,” rather than merely “hearers,” as the apostle James warns of in the Bible (James chapter 1, check it out). We can all talk about the poor and the orphans, but what are we going to do about them?